My Money Cage

Today I'm feeling it, feeling the grip of my cage, my money cage, or rather, my lack of money cage. I've been thinking about the things I want most in life right now and even though most of them do not seem financially driven, they all come back to money and my need for it.

I miss being home, home with my kids, home and available to help out my friends. I miss baking with flax and whole wheat flour. I miss cooking healthy dinners for my family. I miss being around to make sure that my daughter gets out of her pajamas each day and gets her hair fixed. I want to be able to spend more time helping my son with his multiplication tables and be down the street so that when he takes too long walking home from school I can run out and find him. And the list goes on. So what do these things have to do with money? Well I have to earn it which means 8 hrs at work minimum each day. Why can't my husband earn the money? He's going to school. And why is he going to school? To be able to earn more money!

I want my daughter to take dance lessons so her natural talent can be cultivated. My son wants to take hip hop and gymnastics and wants to be able to play the guitar. All of these things cost money and I didn't even list the lessons and classes I'd like to take. My son is getting piano lessons but its only because he gets them from a friend who doesn't want to be paid. (Tender mercies!)

I want to feed my family free range chicken, grass fed beef and locally grown produce. I want to buy clothes hand made by small designers and items for my home, made by local artisans. I want to support the little guy. I want my dollars to count for other people, but when you only have a few you have to make sure they count for yourself as much as possible. And that means cheap food with a questionable origin and clothes from the clearance rack that were manufactured for criminal wages over seas.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that compared to the majority of the world, I live in the lap of luxury. It's not the lack of the things I want that leave me frustrated. It's feeling like my financial cage is preventing me from being my true self. I have pretty strong feelings about where my meat comes from. I believe strongly that buying locally and supporting artists is important. I believe that most meals should be prepared at home not thrown together by teenagers and handed to me through a window. But what kind of weight do my beliefs carry when I've worked a ten hour day and I have $5.00 in my wallet. The answer is, not a whole lot. It's 7:00 pm, I'm tired, everyone is hungry and $5.00 means five things off some dollar menu.

When I feel trapped in my lack-of-money cage it's not a new car I dream of, and trust me, I could use one. It's not expensive name brand clothes or vacations either. It's being who I want to be. I dream of some day being able to make decisions based on what I love, on what I believe and on what is important to me, not on what I can manage on my budget.

But someday I'm going to escape this cage made of time restraints and bills and my hungry bank account. My family's hard work and sacrifice will pay off and it will show on my plate and in my home and on my back. I will walk through the farmer's market and buy the $25.00 hand decorated onsie as a baby gift, instead of the clearance outfit at Walmart. I'll buy the locally harvested honey even though it's twice the price of generic store brand. I'll buy a painting I love from an unknown artist. I will make my dollars make a difference and I will feel free. Then I will go home and spend the afternoon making whole grain cookies with my daughter while my son shows me what he learned in gymnastics and we'll eat our cookies off plates purchased on Etsy made by a retired veteran in Ohio. That's what I dream of. Those are the things I see on the other side of my money cage. It's simple. It's beautiful and it's me.