Best Intentions, Then...DEPRESSION

I had big plans today. Go to work early, be super productive and make a lot of money. (I get paid by the project not by the hour.) Then I was going to come home in time to beat my son home from school which I do three days a week now in an effort to be a better mom. Listen to his oh so important eight year old stories and help him with homework while simultaneously entertaining and validating my three year old. Clean the house, finish laundry and plan dinner. Go to the gym and workout like a total bad-ass and then stop by my mom's dance class to learn choreography so I can be an extra body in their summer recital. That was my plan. Those were my intentions then...DEPRESSION. Bum bum bum.

Work did not go smoothly. I had to deal with a difficult bride and tell her that what she wanted just wasn't possible. (One of my very favorite things to do. NOT.) My anxiety level began to rise. She was apparently devastated because I then got a phone call from the dress shop where she bought her dress, wanting to know why we couldn't do the alterations because she had called them sobbing and wanting to exchange. Blah blah blah. Long phone cenversation. Stress level higher. Etc. Etc. My day was not productive. And I did not make money but I did leave work feeling drained and uptight.

With my plans derailed and me not in a great state to carry on with the next phase of my great day, being an awesome mom, my son comes home with a note from his teacher saying he had behavioral problems. Uggh! Anxiety rising. Coping ability falling...

I get online to try and decompress. My daughter keeps bringing me "tea" insisting we "clink" glasses. I half heartedly comply...about ten times, then I can't take it anymore. I want to snap but I keep it together. "No more tea," I say. Re-enter my son, "Mom, you have to pick me up from school tomorrow at 1:30." (He normally walks home.) "What!?" He hands me a paper. They are doing an emergency evacuation drill. Awesome! I would love to drive all the way home in the middle of the day with no notice, fight the traffic of hundreds of parents and pick up my kid early so that the school can play pretend! Coping ability officially gone. Me officially overwhelmed and from there I rapidly sink into a paralyzing depression. I could see it coming a mile away but with my day and my body against me, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.

So this is where I start to beat myself up. These are all every day, normal things that I should be able to deal with. Right? I sit and feel angry that I'm not getting anything done. "So get up and go fold the damn laundry then!" But I can't. It's almost impossible to explain to someone who has never felt it but it's like I've been tied up from the inside out. And if I just force myself to fight it and get my butt in gear I'm afraid I will explode. The tears will start and a full on hyperventilating anxiety attack will be the finale to me day. So feeling like a pathetic waste I crawl into bed and hope that a nap will help, which it sometimes does. If I can sleep long enough it's like my body will reboot. Today, however, no dice.

So here I sit surrounded by laundry, wearing my gym clothes but cuddled under the blankets on my bed. There is no dinner cooking and my daughter is in a different part of the house being loved and attended to by my sister. I think of times in the past when my depression and anxiety has ruined a great day, like a high school dance with my boyfriend and dates with my husband. I want to cry but I can't. I feel like a failure and I tell myself, "You are sick. You have an illness that you manage. It's like a diabetic having a spike or drop in blood sugar that puts them out of commission for a time." I try to believe myself but...

I would normally end a post like this with an uplifting and encouraging bit about how I cope, how I overcome and how it is all okay. But I don't have one today. I'm just sharing so if anyone reads this who experiences the same things, they can know they are not alone. To them I say, "Give yourself a break. Depression obliterating your plans is part of your life. It sucks and it's a challenge, but it's okay. Another day soon you will be super mom, super woman even, and those days out number the bad so let it go." Thats what I would say. Now if only I can listen.

Sometimes You Just Need To Check Out

When I am depressed or feeling particularly anxious I am not pleasant to be around. And I don't just mean that I'm no fun or that I'm a total party-pooper, which I am, but I mean that things can get ugly and quick. If I'm having anxiety my patience is zero. I am almost guaranteed to over react, yell, punish unreasonably or even start a fight. I know this about myself. I've been living it for years. I can't say, however, that I have really recognized the reality of this or its destructiveness till relatively recently.

In the past my husband was just insensitive, my children disobedient and my life unreasonably hard. I knew that I felt like crap but if all this stuff would stop bugging me I would be fine! I felt horrible and so would go through my day being horrible and then feeling even more horrible, an ugly cycle with destruction in its wake. Eventually after snapping at my son all day, silently cursing the general public and then yelling at my son for a minor infraction my husband would finally come home and I would dump my shitty day on him and lock myself in my room because I just couldn't "take this day anymore!"

I would usually calm down and realize I had been a horrible mom and come out at bed time, repentant and loving. But with the underlying problem still blazing, a struggle at bed time would immediately send me right back into head biting off mode (backfire.)

Anxiety is an ugly bitch. I strive daily to control her and after years of practice I can say I have gotten better but the struggle goes on. So until that magical day when I am freed of my disorder in its entirety this is what I've come up with to combat the miserable scary wife/mommy monster I can sometimes be. I lock her up before she can even show her face!

This is what I've been trying:

When I know I'm having a bad day which happens occasionally for no reason and usually happens for a few days before my "days of womanly misery," I make it known calmly to my husband as a warning, and to enlist his help. See, just being depressed or anxious isn't what sets me off. Its having to deal with things when I'm in that state. I just can't, and the tension builds inside of me making everything ten times worse. But I've found that if I can avoid stress, keep to myself and try to do things that I enjoy or are mindless, then I stay calm and just quietly feel crumby while everyone else gets to be happy and the house stays a peaceful place. After the pre-monster warning my husband will run interference with the kids, take care of dinner and let me lock myself in my room. When my son asks for a bedtime story I calmly and sweetly tell him, "not tonight," because I know that when I feel like that, sitting in his bed reading something silly for the umpteenth time will send my anxiety level through the roof, so that when he asks for a second story or a third kiss I will inevitably, at the very least, respond curtly and with annoyance. Saying no used to make me feel guilty but what is worse, being told you have to get what you want another day or getting a shallow, frustrating version of what you asked for?

I could seem like a bad mom to some, hiding from my children, letting my husband make dinner while I do online crosswords, but I've learned from sad experience that sometimes I just need to check out. If I don't have the capacity at times to give goodness to the ones I love then I don't want to give them anything. Better to have a break than to break something, especially a heart. And after an evening of coping alone, with no added stress, I feel ok and I can go kiss my kids goodnight with a smile and hope for a better day tomorrow.