When I am depressed or feeling particularly anxious I am not pleasant to be around. And I don't just mean that I'm no fun or that I'm a total party-pooper, which I am, but I mean that things can get ugly and quick. If I'm having anxiety my patience is zero. I am almost guaranteed to over react, yell, punish unreasonably or even start a fight. I know this about myself. I've been living it for years. I can't say, however, that I have really recognized the reality of this or its destructiveness till relatively recently.
In the past my husband was just insensitive, my children disobedient and my life unreasonably hard. I knew that I felt like crap but if all this stuff would stop bugging me I would be fine! I felt horrible and so would go through my day being horrible and then feeling even more horrible, an ugly cycle with destruction in its wake. Eventually after snapping at my son all day, silently cursing the general public and then yelling at my son for a minor infraction my husband would finally come home and I would dump my shitty day on him and lock myself in my room because I just couldn't "take this day anymore!"
I would usually calm down and realize I had been a horrible mom and come out at bed time, repentant and loving. But with the underlying problem still blazing, a struggle at bed time would immediately send me right back into head biting off mode (backfire.)
Anxiety is an ugly bitch. I strive daily to control her and after years of practice I can say I have gotten better but the struggle goes on. So until that magical day when I am freed of my disorder in its entirety this is what I've come up with to combat the miserable scary wife/mommy monster I can sometimes be. I lock her up before she can even show her face!
This is what I've been trying:
When I know I'm having a bad day which happens occasionally for no reason and usually happens for a few days before my "days of womanly misery," I make it known calmly to my husband as a warning, and to enlist his help. See, just being depressed or anxious isn't what sets me off. Its having to deal with things when I'm in that state. I just can't, and the tension builds inside of me making everything ten times worse. But I've found that if I can avoid stress, keep to myself and try to do things that I enjoy or are mindless, then I stay calm and just quietly feel crumby while everyone else gets to be happy and the house stays a peaceful place. After the pre-monster warning my husband will run interference with the kids, take care of dinner and let me lock myself in my room. When my son asks for a bedtime story I calmly and sweetly tell him, "not tonight," because I know that when I feel like that, sitting in his bed reading something silly for the umpteenth time will send my anxiety level through the roof, so that when he asks for a second story or a third kiss I will inevitably, at the very least, respond curtly and with annoyance. Saying no used to make me feel guilty but what is worse, being told you have to get what you want another day or getting a shallow, frustrating version of what you asked for?
I could seem like a bad mom to some, hiding from my children, letting my husband make dinner while I do online crosswords, but I've learned from sad experience that sometimes I just need to check out. If I don't have the capacity at times to give goodness to the ones I love then I don't want to give them anything. Better to have a break than to break something, especially a heart. And after an evening of coping alone, with no added stress, I feel ok and I can go kiss my kids goodnight with a smile and hope for a better day tomorrow.
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